RPGs tend to always intimidate me before I start one: upon estimating the hours I’m going to need to commit towards understanding the equipment system, not to mention navigating all those menus and grasping the fictional history as well as figuring out the combat tactics, it worries me ever so greatly and yet, strangely, I am never sufficiently put off enough to avoid the genre altogether. The worry stems from a selfishness: a concern borne out of a fear of what will happen to me if I actually like the game. Or rather more specifically, what will happen to me if I actually, sincerely, love the game.

Despite all the great reviews DA:O has received, that wariness still existed in the back corners of my mind, particularly after my last attempt at an RPG – the ever-frustrating Lost Odyssey -  ended with me angrily cursing, switching off and trading the game in after having to put up with one too many twenty-minute-long ‘random encounters’ despite my best efforts to excuse them. The short story ‘Dream’ segments unlocked in the game were amazing and beautifully written, but they were way too few and far between amidst such an archaic turn-based RPG gameplay system filled with uninteresting, lacklustre characters and a completely forgettable plot seemingly incongruent to those bonuses.

Dragon Age Origins, on the other hand, was developed by Bioware, responsible for completely captivating me with Mass Effect and many others prior with the Baldur’s Gate series and that ever-mentioned beloved acronym, KOTOR, and I really should have seen the impact of DA:O coming from a mile away given the developer’s reputation as I picked the game up more out of curiosity than anticipation: an epic story, well-written and realised characters, and most impressively, an entire backstory of Tolkien proportions. So amazing in fact that it’s produced yet another variation of that RPG fear of mine: a simple question of whether I will have the time to play through as all the different races to fully experience all the variation in the titular ‘origin stories’ this game has to offer, not to mention going through all the DLC… and then there’s still that Mass Effect 2 second playthrough I’ve been meaning to get through continuing to tease and tempt me in the background.

I adore a great story and the experience of a quality game. I love being transported into that fictional world, becoming as one with my on-screen character. I get disappointed when game stories are terrible, akin to awful Hollywood movies all about explosions and visuals without even a hint of a soul in sight. A soul, you ask? In a game? Perhaps I do have unrealistically high expectations of video games and am often left pondering their true power as a medium, but then something like DA:O shows up with not only a soul, but also a heart in the form of its characters and an entire in-game history to be studied.

And I mean studied, too. Given the number of codex entries in the game, even dwarfing that of Mass Effect, I couldn’t help but realise that this was the digital equivalent of Tolkien’s Silmarillion. Indeed, the main story and Darkspawn enemies are reminiscent of Lord of the Rings, but it’s how all those individual story elements and themes are brought together for Dragon Age – the races, the mythology, the history; the way it all collides and the conflict caused as a result – which has really touched me. Every single aspect of the game comes with its own explanation and backstory where discussions on racism and discrimination (both across as well as within races), religion, and class are all presented from both sides of the coin and presented in the form of difficult decisions accompanied with much moral conflict, with it being up left solely up to the player which path they wish to choose. As a result not only has my faith in quality RPGs been restored, so too has my belief that the medium can continue to achieve an unmatched form of emotional power.

The relationships you form with your recruited allies is incredible thanks to excellent voice acting, with the conversations and interaction between all the 3-plus-yourself combinations of party members a particular standout. Taking a break in-between quests at your party camp not only offers a reprieve from the often-difficult but rewarding combat itself but also serves as the perfect opportunity to get to know the characters in the game. Even non-playable characters possess charm and presence, my particular favourites being Wade the armourer and his impatient shop-assistant in Denerim. There is a deep sense of attachment in DA:O which improves on what was offered in Mass Effect 1, but is sadly missing in Mass Effect 2 as the latter game favoured action setpieces ahead of the original’s purer RPG character development elements. Not to say that ME2 is lacking story and character-wise, but playing it after DA:O I do feel as if ME2’s characters and their motivations weren’t as well-defined or expanded upon as they could have been.

Dragon Age Origins is the kind of game where pictures, or in this case screenshots, cannot do justice to the content on offer. The impact it’s had on me is really something I didn’t expect, and never have I felt so touched in a video game as during the Urn of Sacred Ashes quest when the Guardian revealed the very essences of my character and those of my party, in particular, Leliana. An Orlesian bard who had placed her complete faith in the Chantry – i.e. a female songstress who had given up a shadowy past to become a devout believer of the Maker, the game’s representation of the Judaeo-Christian God and its delivery through Catholicism – and being told that her faith was misguided, deluded and selfish, was an incredibly powerful and almost soul-destroying moment. It was also the instant when I understood how deep this game really was.

Similarly with the game’s choices, never before have I come across a title which has really nailed the idea of consequence and regret. Fallout 3 almost did it to me when Dogmeat died and I felt compelled to load up my last save game and lose several hours of play just so he could live again, and also when Jericho was finished off after we were ambushed in the Wasteland by multiple albino radscorpions, but ultimately it was too personal and individual a game in that everything I did essentially only affected myself and my own feelings and style of play. Mass Effect 2’s imported files from the first game offered little more than brief cameos of the outcomes of my actions in the first game as the sequel focused mainly on the new story. In both cases there was no tangible sense of dwelling on and acknowledging that a mistake had been made if or when the repercussions came back to haunt me.

By the end of my first playthrough as a ‘good’ character I had become so attached to my party members that all of my choices were based entirely on a sense of responsibility which had slowly evolved over the course of the game, whereas the second time round in being a ‘bad’ character my poor and inconsiderate decisions led to Leliana and Alistair leaving in disgust, several others rebelling, and me greatly regretting the course of my actions. To compare it to Mass Effect, these harsh consequences were no doubt inspired by the confrontation with Wrex in ME1, but even considering the finale of ME2 where the lives of your crew were at stake, there was never that fear throughout the game that you could hurt or offend someone so irreversibly that they would hold a grudge against you for good. In other words, being responsible for lives being lost is one thing. Being responsible for betraying someone you had become attached to while they still lived is quite another.

For a game to make me believe in the fantasy and to then make me feel something from it is a rarity. My choices were hardly ever beneficial for everyone concerned, and there were many occasions where I wish I had said or done things differently because of the consequences that followed. That fear of playing an intimidatingly large RPG has translated into a fear of hurting a character’s feelings, and it is a credit to the game that multiple playthroughs as different races produces a different experience as, for instance, background characters encountered in previously end up being your close friends the next time you encounter them, completely changing the context of your actions. To be drawn to the story and the characters so much that choice becomes an emotional effort rather than a curious novelty of the game is Dragon Age Origins’ greatest strength, leaving me with yet another important decision: determining when next to dedicate the time to play through it again, just to see what other outcomes and ramifications are on offer.

It was all over far too soon. With barely a moment to rest or let your guard down to admire the amazing environments and graphical details of the year’s biggest release, the campaign mode of Modern Warfare 2 – whilst inarguably exhilarating from start to finish – wasn’t quite what I was hoping it would be, nor was I as profoundly affected by the controversial airport level as I was building myself up for. The emotional resonance of the original story in the first Modern Warfare, set in current times and grounded (somewhat) in reality, has given way to fantasy in the sequel. By way of comparison, MW2 has pretty much turned into Metal Gear Solid 4.

Not to say it’s not a good game – it is, but only in a purely aesthetic manner. But in very much the same way the original MGS changed the industry as we knew it by introducing blockbuster film productions to gaming before taking a ridiculously confusing turn for the worse as  the plot descended into madness as the series progressed, I fear that, this time round, Infinity Ward “did a Kojima” and opted more for the spectacular rather than the subtle and meaningful surprises; great gameplay masking gaping plot holes.

My gripe is with how inadequately explained it all was.  The airport level was still shocking, yes, but any real meaning or conscientious questioning to be derived from it was overshadowed by the sheer unbelievability of the story, particularly with this vital aspect of it upon which the game’s plot hinged entirely – the process of becoming an undercover agent:

So, an American soldier gets hand-picked by the CIA to infiltrate the Russian ultra-nationalist terrorist group, and presumably he’s learned how to speak Russian fluently (the mission is named No Russian, after all) and been trained in Russian culture so as to make it all the way up close and personal to the world’s most dangerous man, Vladimir Makarov, in the space of, what, a few months? Half a year? It seemed as if the airport stage had been designed beforehand for the shock value with the plot as a mere afterthought, particularly given that the objective of that level was to “earn Makarov’s trust” – which just doesn’t make any consistent sense given that you were already in his posse. Worse still, the rest of the game’s story charges you with finding Makarov and killing him, and yet if you shoot at him during the airport stage you fail the mission (!). To make it even more exorbitant the next stage is set in Brazil. Why? Because shell casings from the bullets used to kill those civilians are tracked to somebody in Rio; in other words, how can we find a link between a massacre in Moscow and a cool looking place to put in the game for action purposes which we haven’t used before, like somewhere in South America? A flimsy plot device, that’s how!

So by the beginning of Act II, I had simply turned my brain off. Arguably it shouldn’t have been on in the first place for Modern Warfare 2, perhaps, but why have mature and controversial content in the first place if the rest of the story plays out like James Bond directed by Michael Bay? By the end of the game, with twists and turns and, sadly, the odd predictable moment or two of corniness, the brain was well and truly comatose. Having said that though, I did enjoy it greatly in the same way I would a cheesy action movie from the early to mid 90’s: playing through the gulag level not only reminds you of The Rock but also contained a somewhat appropriate self-referential Hollywood-style payoff with the Sean Connery character turning out to be Captain Price. And that’s simultaneously the problem I have with MW2 and the thing I miss from MW1: the original had the tragedy as well as the commentary on war – particularly with the nuclear explosion seen from your perspective. MW2 tried to capture that same level of “thought” but is let down by going for the overly  spectacular extreme. It definitely still succeeds as a pure action game and a guilty pleasure – I would have just preferred something deeper as hinted at with MW1 and the Cain & Abel voiceover from the MW2 trailer.

Overall MW2 deserves its praise for extremely high production values, marvellous technical and visual achievements, great pacing and action setpieces. In particular I greatly enjoyed the focus on the connection with that great cast of supporting characters – particularly with Captain Price taking on the role of his former mentor Captain MacMillan from the first game, as well as seeing Soap MacTavish from the third person perspective for much of the game before finally “being him” at the end –  again quite reminiscent of techniques used in the Metal Gear series. Shame about the story and the poor use of the airport level, though, because I think Infinity Ward missed a really good opportunity here to do something in the name of videogames. Something special. Maybe I was just hoping for a bit too much. So while I contemplate the future of COD, no doubt still playing through the campaign again a few more times, my mind falling asleep amidst the explosive excitement and developing an ever-increasing addiction to the even less meaningful but totally spectacular multiplayer, I will still grasp onto that hopeful notion that games can truly promote an important message through its medium. But oh what might have been…

Selfish housemates getting on your nerves? Time to move out?

Well ahoy there!! I, Landlord Lucantile of Alexandria Arms, am extremely pleased to offer you – YES YOU! – the investment property opportunity of a lifetime!

An absolutely stunning three storey complex. Of course, only one of those floors is operable and there isn’t much of a ceiling, but hell, THREE STOREYS!!

Situated in a pleasantly quiet spot next to the motorway, this home offers shrubbery and plenty of parking space but, MY WORD! It’s the fully furnished interiors that’ll really get your mouth watering:

A classic antiquated and mint-condition rug in the bedroom, along with smoking area

And who has time for wardrobes, seriously!? I, Landlord Lucantile, am also willing to part with all my own garments and hat collection for your comfort; to make this offer sound just that little bit more enticing!

“Pfft!! Why would I want to wear your blood-stained clothes anyway, you fool?!” I hear you exclaim pessimistically. Well then, how could you possibly say no to my collection of Nuka Cola Quantums? Similarly friend, how could you even humanly – you’ll like this one – bear the thought of rejecting the beautiful prospect of your very own Rumpus Room filled with – yes! – teddy bears and beverages?

Not to mention my library of bedtime reading materials and, the true gem of this offer overlooking the magnificent cityscape: the Weapons Cache (plus pitching machine)

Okay I know what you’re thinking: “With all those goodies in there, what about the raiders then?” I’ll be straight with you and confess that, yes, the place has had a single incident of burglary in the past, what with, in hindsight, the previous complacency in security measures.

You’ll doubtless be pleased to hear that the culprit was apprehended.

And that a new, cutting-edge system of home protection has since been installed!

An ingenius, custom-made Home Anti-Burglar System governed by Owner Recognition Software (made up of no less than 531 sensor modules – FACT) which makes entering these fine premises absolutely, perfectly safe, as I shall demonstrate for you now.

Similarly, the Weapons Cache has also received a complete security overhaul.

And if none of those above methods prove successful, then this piece of artwork on the way up the ground level stairs is bound to put off any would-be home invaders.

So there you have it, friend – and I, Landlord Lucantile, will proclaim it happily to the Wasteland: “It’s the deal of a lifetime!!!”

* Landlord Lucantile is open to offers this coming Saturday from sunrise to sundown, with the property expected to be sold for offers of 750 thousand bottle caps and above, or 100 slaves and over. We ask that you do not bring weapons, however if you choose to do so then please DO NOT fire them around the Weapons Cache. Or at Landlord Lucantile. The safety of all applicants on their way to and within the home is not guaranteed by Lucantile Properties, and Lucantile Properties will not be held culpable for any injuries or crippled limbs visitors may incur during inspections of the residence. Should you wish to purchase the property, Lucantile Properties is not responsible for any retaliation you may receive from Wasteland Regulators.

]]> http://willooi.com/2009/10/a-fallout-3-investment-property-of-a-lifetime/feed/ 3 http://willooi.com/2009/03/gta-iv-the-lost-and-damned-sydney/ http://willooi.com/2009/03/gta-iv-the-lost-and-damned-sydney/#comments Sun, 22 Mar 2009 14:00:00 +0000 Will Ooi http://willooi.com/gta-iv-the-lost-and-damned-sydney/ Art imitating life imitating art. No sooner has The Lost and Damned DLC been released that GTA IV has come to Australia; and this time I’m not talking about game release dates.

Witnesses have up to this point neither confirmed or denied rumours that Niko Bellic and/or Johnny Klebitz were at the scene

According to news sources:

“There’s been a major escalation in Sydney’s bikie gang war with the bashing death of a man at Sydney’s domestic airport in front of horrified bystanders yesterday.

Four men aged between 21 and 25 have been charged with affray over the incident and more charges are expected to follow. Police say the attack appeared to be planned and it’s raised questions about the level of security at Sydney Airport.

…

Police believe the violence erupted between members of the Hells Angels and Comancheros biker gangs after senior figures from both gangs flew on the same flight between Melbourne and Sydney.

…

The murder follows a series of tit-for-tat shootings involving two other rival bikie gangs - the latest just yesterday - that has left Sydney’s suburban streets living in fear.”

The victim died of severe head injuries after being bashed by the metal poles propping up the queues.

So then: a bikie war, an apparent assassination of a rival leader in broad daylight at a public place, a death via bludgeoning, the CCTV footage has done a runner. Doesn’t this all sound so very familiar? The only thing missing is that little jingle that plays alongside the words ‘MISSION COMPLETE – $10, 000′. However unlike GTA the bad guys got caught. So let this be a very important lesson to us all: always print out your tickets before your flight for a quicker check-in.

Sources: 1 2 3 4 5

… when such an historic, worldly significant day like this

…just makes you think, immediately, of this…

~

[I will probably get in trouble if certain people read this blog. But here it is anyway]

A bit of context, just to get it out of the way early on: I tend to take my gaming addictions a bit far sometimes, and I absolutely love open world games. GTA III had me hooked like a junkie as I enjoyed the exploration and sightseeing within Liberty City; taking my time doing missions in order to fully appreciate it all, the wonderful digital city: soaking it in, the geography, the design, the personality. These virtual escapes then followed with Vice City, San Andreas, and of course, GTA IV. Oh the time and sick days spent on that one.

None of that intense training could prepare me for Fallout 3, however. Nope. Bethesda have well and truly destroyed me.

Doing all-nighters. Taking days off work. Cancelling dinners and movie outings. I really did all these things. I just needed a few more hours to scour the world for those 30 Nuka-Cola Quantums, finding that leaf blower to make my custom weapon, to get some ant pheromones for the chick in Rivet City, to grab all the loot from vanquished Talon Company Mercs and to repair and compress my inventory space, to travel through subway tunnels in DC looking for those Super Mutant behemoths…on and on it went. And with a game as vast and as open as this one, there’s never a shortage of things to do – there just aren’t enough hours in a day to be able to do them all.

Upon reaching the maximum of Level 20 (a bit of a disappointment to be honest, albeit a life-saving one) it dawned on me. It was as if my body had been detached from my mind; the former reduced to conduit slave status whose sole purpose was to punch buttons and serve the latter which was, and had been for a while, floating in its own virtual space within the DC Ruins of the game. It was 5 am. I had played all night. Then, a voice. My voice. I was glad to hear it.

“Man, you’re not taking very good care of yourself. If there was no maximum level, you’d be just like one of those World of Warcraft freaks who plays all day every day within those game cafes eating instant noodles, the only difference being that you’re too tight to pay the monthly subscription fee which is probably in itself fair enough given that I don’t agree with regular payments for MMOs either (despite the fact that I AM your mind and it’d be contradictory for me NOT to agree, but lets not go there). Look at what GTA IV did to you. You lined up unnecessarily for the midnight launch just to play in the early hours of the morning, having to drag yourself off to work with little to no sleep even though the game was hardly in short supply and you could have easily picked it up the next afternoon. And, going back further, look at what San Andreas did during your uni years: skipping class to stay home and deck yourself out with green bandanas and ammo for your AK47 as you took over gang territory in the name of the Grove Street Families. Ah, memories”.

Then my alarm rang and the voice of reason was gone. 7:40 am. Another choice presented itself to me, and even though I was (kind of) back in real life, I could still see the dialogue window from the game, complete with response options:

“Your alarm has gone off, alerting you to the fact that you need to get dressed and go to work. However your eyes are bloodshot and their lids extremely heavy given that you’ve played the game non-stop, overnight, with only a carton of orange juice as sustenance. You decide to…”:

• Abide by the laws of society and get dressed and go to work, trying not to collapse, dead, on public transport along the way
• Take a nap for a few hours, then go to work. After all, being late is better than not being there at all!
• [SPEECH 100%] Take a sicky

Option 3. Success!

Once the decision was made though, away went any remnants of my fatigue, seemingly magically and almost immediately. So guess what I did? Yep. I salvaged ammo from the dead Super Mutants, went back to where I told Dogmeat to stay, and fast-travelled around to look for more locations to fill up the empty spaces of my map, inevitably finding yet more new places and distractions to keep occupied. Fallout 3 isn’t without its flaws; the character animations are often stiff, there are clipping issues and a ton of glitches and bugs, the AI of NPCs is often questionable at best, and given the combination of the game’s scope plus an unreliable Local Map, it is incredibly easy to get lost within internal environments – particularly the other Vaults. But everything else about the game? Bloody hell. Fallout 3 is one of the best games I have ever played, and is definitely my favourite game of 2008 even amongst such distinguished company this year. The world, the characters, the story, the dark humour: you could say that I’ve been ‘immersed’ in it.

So today, amazingly, I’m back at work and typing all this down. I know! Crazy isn’t it! I’ve seen the sun, and it is beautiful. Let’s see then, doo do doo do doo, what will my options be for tonight? Take a wild guess.

I’ve heard all the advice before, too. “Just go to sleep, moron. It’s not hard”. “Be more mature about it and control yourself, you overgrown child,” etc etc. But I’m telling you, completely honestly, the open world video game is my vice, my Kryptonite. It gets me EVERY time. I am an addict, and I admit it with much shame and self-loathing. Maybe it’s to do with wanting to escape from one’s own reality, finding salvation in a world that follows different rules with alternate social underpinnings. There must be something deep down inside, a hidden reason behind this type of addiction; something Freudian perhaps. One thing is for sure though after this whole saga: even if I do absolutely love savouring these digital worlds and all the little details they offer, taking my time to free-roam to my heart’s content (if not the rest of the body), I really cannot wait until Fallout 3 is truly over and I’ve seen all that there is to see – if only just to escape my own personal Vault 101.

But then there’s the option of playing through again as someone evil. Jesus. Christ.

Those core incentives of reaching gaming perfection could be from, say, finishing Sonic the Hedgehog and finding all the Chaos Emeralds (something I never managed and am still bitter about to this day – I only had one left and I could see it but couldn’t get to it) or trying to get the highest score possible in the original Mario and writing it down on ripped-out exercise book pages in between crude drawings of Street Fighter’s Zangief and “pee pee” figures and comparing it (the pee pees) with school buddies who wouldn’t believe you anyway. Oh the bygone era where the internet and online stat tracking were yet to be realised, how did we even survive? These days I find myself comparing gamerscores with iceblast21, ignipotentbrendan, and of course, zumafire, of whose lofty statuses I can only dream of reaching as I stalk their profiles in a non-Facebook setting.

Mr T sure was really popular back then

All those reasons for gaming valour, the honesty and purity of the challenge, started to become altered when 360 achievements came along…enter the “Achievement Whore”, i.e. those who play games just for the points. This isn’t a criticism of anybody as I myself often find that I’m guilty of playing through titles for the points, too. But man, I’m certainly not going to go out of my way to hire Avatar for the free thousand points, that just seems…excessive. Case in point: as much as I enjoyed Call of Duty 4, I have never experienced as harsh an exercise in ridiculous futility as when playing through the whole game on Veteran difficulty. There were so many times, corresponding to the number of my deaths in-game, that I just wondered “Why am I doing this? For a few hundred virtual points?” Ultimately I soldiered on until the game became annoying and the inconsistent spawning of checkpoints was clearly not synchronised with the ridiculous numbers of enemies who never stopped flooding towards you with perfect aim. I eventually finished it but have not done the epilogue plane mission on Veteran because NO! Just, no.

An example of downright bad achievements would be for Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 where a host of them were dedicated to online play and yet the online lag rendered matches so unplayably bad that getting those points was more an exercise in blind luck and frustration rather than what surely should have been a focus on good competition. Another required you to commit one foul or less in ten straight games, which was just unfair given how whistle-happy the referees are in the game and the only way to get that achievement is to play in an unfeasibly unattractive keep-ball way that opposed the very principles of the sport. All that for 25 points too when buying FIFA 08 would have been the better option.

There are also times when achievements get in the way of gameplay, particularly in sandbox titles where the chances are that you will end up getting them naturally over time anyway, and at your own pace, but because it’s there on the list you may go out of your way JUST to attain them. I found that when I was playing through Bully Scholarship Edition, GTA IV and Saint’s Row, I would definitely become a bit too achievements-focused and it had a negative impact on the way I usually approached these games: performing so many wedgies in quick succession and storing a crazy amount of cars in my garage that, as soon as they were done, all the fun was gone in doing them again. I mean, why bother?

These type of achievements tend to kill the fun a bit when you’ve reached the goal and its as if gamers are being held to ransom by them. I’ve got to say though, as conflicted as I may feel about achievement points, it has in some cases enhanced the gaming experience. For instance, I was so very close to trading in Assassin’s Creed after I heard the words “I only wish my sons were as brave as you” for the thousandth time but hung on and finished the game just to score some points before trading it in. Ultimately, my opinion of the title had improved: it wasn’t utterly atrocious but at the same time certainly not very good, resulting in a game that was just barely worth keeping.

I liked the stealth-method too

Currently I’m busy on Rainbow Six Vegas 2’s achievements, which have been beneficial in terms of improving my level of skill: having to kill 100 online opponents with a pistol was definitely a long haul but I do think I’m a better player because of it. Although as soon as that was achieved I went straight back to my preferred weapon – I cannot stress how relieved I was to get that one over and done with, and again, now that the achievement has been reached I doubt I’ll be handgunning it again anytime soon for the fun of it. As for the dodgy achievement which requires you to own an Xbox Live Camera to put yourself in the game, there is no way I’m buying one of those just for the sake of 20G unless there is a bona fide reason to get one. Personally I do prefer it if game achievements rewarded you in different and original ways: you will always get them for finishing the game of course, but it helps when they encourage you to ‘discover’ things as well.

Crackdown is a much-cited example of coaxing the player into playing through in a different style to what they may have been accustomed to, and the Bully Scholarship Edition achievements expanded on that, particularly with ‘Over the Rainbow’, the one about kissing members of the same sex a certain number of times. Bioshock encouraged us to find all the audio diaries, and in doing so helped draw you in further to the world of Rapture. Dead Rising made you play through the story mode multiple times with different objectives and hence see more of what they had created (but on that note, playing Survival Mode and staying alive for 7 days which equated to something like 14 real life hours was just not on. Not on).

So why is that gamerscore so important to so many of us? What about the guys who have hundreds and thousands of points? Do they actually play through games for the sake of fun or just for the points? Many of my Live buddies have formidable tallies, as above; others are clearly anti-gamerscore and only have the default achievements that come practically automatically with their games. I wish I could play through titles unmarred and unaffected by the lure of virtual points, but I just cannot help myself sometimes as the whole sense of reward and accomplishment has me hooked like Pavlov manipulating his dogs. 15G might not be much, but it sure does beat going through Alex Kidd in Miracle World for the 23rd time only to be outdone by two fingers stuck up at you, followed swiftly by death.

360 Man

In his former incarnation as just plain old ‘XBox Man’, 360 Man took his time and used his big weapon: connection infrastructures, to plan the perfect moment to enter the console wars. With Master Chief at his side and guns blazing, 360 Man is the current kingpin of all the heroes.

Strengths:

Truly KILLER Apps (including a substantial advantage over PS3 Mecca with his recruitment of third parties), and with the devastating power of the MS network he can summon his many followers (in a non-cultish way of course).

Weaknesses:

Overheating (whereupon he is vulnerable to attack and online mauling) where the power ring on his chest slowly turns red and his followers may begin a mutiny and move to the other side. He also charges a fee when people ask for his services, rent-a-hero style, causing them to often resent 360 Man despite all his values.

PS3 Mecca

The third in line of his kin, PS3 Mecca learnt from one of the legends himself: Master PS2, but this time round the Sony hero faces a much tougher fight…

Strengths:

Within his chassis PS3 Mecca has an incredibly powerful source of potential, and at this point he is trying hard to maximise it through regular tutelage with the Master PS2, a harsh but all-knowing teacher (like Pai Mei in Kill Bill). Possesses a lethal bluray laser but still in training to wield it properly (like Luke Skywalker and Yoda). His killer aps are, again, still in development and a lot will ride on the aging shoulders of Solid Snake.

Weaknesses:

Often mocked and insulted by the people, PS3 Mecca has taken a real beating from his rivals as he struggles in the current gen battle. Being initially too costly for the public to enlist his services and a bit too boastful about his own abilities before a blow had even been landed, he has already lost favour with many of Master PS2’s allies from the last gen wars.

Wii Lady

The (Wii) Fittist of all our heroes, Wii Lady stands up for the rights of all the young ones, families, and the Nintendo fans still reeling after crushing past defeats to the older generation heroes the Gamecube Cube and the N64 Colossus. Speaks with a Scottish accent (“wee lady”, get it?)

Strengths:

Strong physical attacks (including nunchuk melee weapon), virtually unbeatable from a first person perspective, can summon the powers of fallen heroes from the All Conquering NES armoury, and completely rules the sewer (or “underground” as it sounds much cooler) with her right-hand man Mario.

Weaknesses:

Are Mario and a proven ability to be the life of friend/family parties enough to sustain Wii Lady’s longevity? This may not even be an issue though with her popularity with, well, pretty much everyone in the world (provided that friendship codes have already been established).

PSP Chick

Basically the Master PS2 in reincarnated female form and offering a host of media options, PSP Chick is definitely the funkiest little hero around. But is being cool enough?

Strengths:

Able to connect to her bigger brother the PS3 Mecca, PSP Chick has proven herself to be a reliable handheld device as she insists that she is an altogether different hero to the DS Boy. Possessing greater vision than her main rival, she also has the ability to throws her UMD discs at unsuspecting enemies as they gasp “what the HELL is that?!”

Weaknesses:

Some may say she is fighting an unfair fight against DS Boy, but she is still a worthy adversary in her own right despite being busted for graffiti and fake website scams.

DS Boy

The Robin to the Wii Lady’s Batman (or Batwoman), the youthful DS Boy stands his own ground and is a force to be reckoned with via his sheer playability and, well, just being a fun guy to call upon. Extremely popular worldwide, particularly in Japan – they just can’t get enough.

Strengths:

His unique abilities allow him to throw rocks with a simple swing of his stylus bat, cut into enemies with surgical precision, improve IQ scores, and object to injustices by utilising his built-in microphone. DS Boy can also link up with Wii Lady like Voltron – Wii Lady as the head and the pink, blue, black and gold versions of DS Boy completing the limbs. As to where the torso comes from, it’s the same deal with Optimus Prime’s trailer thing that always appeared/disappeared whenever it felt like it.

Weaknesses:

Tends to focus a bit too much on the ‘touching’ side of things as opposed to the traditional methods of crime fighting, as well as being guilty of only hanging out with his own friends rather than embracing the world.

Shortly after it was originally posted on my old 1up page, this blog actually got “Dugg”, i.e. it was quickly linked and re-linked over the web to within an inch of its life. Just check out how nasty the internet is! 

PS3

She seemed nice at first: a very good looker with several “exclusive” features. But after a little while she’s just turned into a real high-maintenance cash-grabbing bitch who you desperately want to leave, but whom you strangely feel compelled to stay with just to see how it all turns out. She’s now inviting you to move into her Home, which could lead to a beautiful relationship…but you still have your reservations. She IS still really hot even after you first laid eyes on her in 1995, but a gold digger nonetheless.

Her real life equivalent: Catherine Zeta Jones

Xbox 360

The rich girl who has won over many because she is actually quite nice and not as materialistic as we originally thought she was. She’s almost as hot as (or hotter than) the PS3 and doesn’t whine as much, but over the long term will she still be quite as attractive? Overall, still a classy and reliable choice and one that’ll get you the thumbs up from mates.

Her real life equivalent: Nicole Kidman

Wii

Her previous incarnation was really hot in the 90s, but she kinda lost popularity over the turn of the millennium. However now, she’s had a complete makeover and is back in the spotlight again with features that appeal to pretty much everyone. But then again she was idolised ever since the 80s and has a massive hardcore following to this day. She is fun in a harmless and innocent kind of way, but if you’re the type that prefers paintball skirmishes over playing twister you are going to be disappointed.

Her real life equivalent: Drew Barrymore

Sega Saturn

My personal all-time favourite although a lot of people wouldn’t feel the same. Still, I thought she was a real cutey and definitely appealed to the old-school gamer and 80s cult movie buffs. Went out of fashion far quicker than she should have and never fulfilled her true potential. It’s worth digging up her number in the old phone book for a bit of nostalgic catch-up time though.

Her real life equivalent: Phoebe Cates