A few words about Kitano San to begin. Many of you will remember that crazy old 80’s TV show Takeshi’s Castle, where contestants participated in a myriad of next-to-impossible obstacle courses with predictably hilarious, injurious, I’ve-got-a-bad-feeling-about-this, results. Well this is that very same Takeshi. The very same Takeshi who then went on to make a name for himself in the 90’s with hauntingly beautiful (and often very violent) Yakuza films, before finding relative international success in the 2000’s with the fascinating Zatoichi, a film about a blind samurai, a pair of revenge-seeking geishas, and tap-dancing. Obviously. And in between? Well, that very same Takeshi made a lot of weird ones too. And when I say weird, I mean crazy, messed up, only-in-Japan weird.

If you haven’t realised by now, I’m a big fan of “Beat” Kitano, a nickname he often likes to call himself. I love his charisma, his takes-no-shit attitude. His facial twitches and odd mannerisms. His involvement in the incredibly psychotic cult classic Battle Royale. I’ve even put up with a lot of the ridiculousness that happens in his movies, acknowledging it instead as a unique artistic vision with the defiance of an over-fervent stalker fan. But this time, with Takeshis’, you’ve gone too far, Takeshi. You have gone too far.

Don’t even try to understand what’s going on here.

Only someone like Takeshi Kitano can make this reviewer, in an attempt to explain the plot of this film with the utmost of his ability, sound like a complete and utter fool. Allow me to demonstrate:

Takeshis’ is a movie about the real life Takeshi, as a director, making a movie, and there are auditions for this movie. Fair enough, so far so good; if Kitano is making a mockumentary-type satire about himself, fine. I won’t even mention how this movie (the movie being watched, not the movie within the movie being watched) actually started with a scene in a WWII setting. Not relevant, not one bit. But it sure doesn’t help when one of the people auditioning for Takeshi’s movie is also played by Takeshi, and that this Takeshi, a character working in a convenience store, is practicing for the role of, seemingly, the real Takeshi in the movie within the movie. Oh shit. And then it turns out that every new scene is totally unrelated from the last, but still contains the same imagery and characters we’ve seen moments earlier in a different context. And some of these scenes are dreams. And that this dreaming Takeshi is now an altogether separate character who drives a pink taxi around, and who is not auditioning for a part but still meeting all the same people these other two Takeshis have already met. And in the end, the convenience store Takeshi kills the real life director Takeshi. And that last bit really isn’t a spoiler because (a) I have no idea as to what the significance of that scene even was, and (b) spoilers tend to ruin plot points and this movie, really, has no point.

See what I mean? I was really trying there, too.

If one were to plot the storyline of this movie as a diagram, it might well look like this picture below. In 3D. Which is also what your head will look like if you attempt to work out a coherent and logical explanation behind it all.

Kitano has said that he wanted audiences to come out of this film not knowing what to say or what to think, so in that respect he has definitely succeeded, albeit in some deranged and sick Yoko Ono unit of measurement (Y/Onos per minute?). Takeshis’ makes Being John Malkovich look like a predictable American sports film where the underdog team with the player who was always teased or came from a broken home scores the winning touchdown or basket or goal in the last second. Actually, I’d go as far as saying that Takeshis’ makes even the most surrealist nonsense you could conjure up in your mind (whilst on elicit drugs) seem as certain as the knowledge that a hammer against a window equals smashed glass. And it is for this very fact; the fact that I understood precisely none of it and am certain that I will never see anything like it ever again in my lifetime, that I give it 4 stars out of 5. And as for you, Takeshi, I still reckon you’re awesome, but I think it’s also time we had a break as I go off to watch something I can comfortably understand.

4/5

…

Train Station

It’s a bit easy to get lost when exiting your train and making it out into the main lobby of Kyoto Station. One piece of advice about Japan: do not trust the signs; those arrows just lead you to precisely the opposite of where you’re supposed to go. In fact, if you simply ask around chances are you’ll be sorted as, contrary to the popular perception of Japanese people being able to only speak Japanese, we found that many of them do know English – or at least enough to understand English plus rudimentary sign language. It is perhaps a confidence thing; many of them, particularly the younger generation, have studied English at school, and given the adoption of English words into Japanese equivalents as well as the crazy mistranslated usage of it in marketing over there it would be almost impossible for them to be completely ignorant to the language.

The station itself, architecturally, is an insane mesh of cross-hatched steel; the lights of the sky beaming through tiny little gaps in the ceiling about a hundred metres above ground. Lined with department stores and packed with businesspeople and ladies in traditional dress, Kyoto Station is a fair summary of the city itself (and maybe even Japan as a whole): traditions from the past and technology from the future, colliding together in stark contrast. Suited businessmen, schoolgirls on excursion, ladies in traditional dress. All the essentials of Japan are there, as well as, of course, the obvious tourists complete with cameras hanging around their necks.

Speaking of technology, upon leaving one of the main exits … there he was! Astro Boy! Sitting (or rather, flying) above a sign board, body horizontal and zooming away with his trademark rocket boots. Strangely, though, it was the only sighting of the character from our entire trip to Japan. Ridiculous, eh? Or, maybe the Japanese are just over it? Darn those silly Gaijin foreigners, that was so 1980’s.

Accomodation

With plenty of Ryokans lining the small backstreets a short walk away from the station, I totally recommend giving them a go. However as far as finding the place goes, a cab might be the best option as we boys spent an inordinate amount of time asking for directions and getting lost with our heavy luggage given the inadequate nondescript print-out map obtained from the internet which rather neglected to outline the myriad of little alleyways that made up the entire residential area as we, time and time again, began losing hope that we would ever find it. What took literally an hour to find at night was only a 10 minute walk during the day from Kyoto Station and, again, never trust the signs or maps in Japan. With no disrespect, they might operate at a mind-bogglingly efficient rate with pretty much everything else, however directions are by far Nihon’s achilles heel.

Anyway. Once located, we stayed at the Kikokuso Ryokan, run like clockwork by an overly-friendly lady and her husband (it was very clear who wore the pants in that relationship) and immediately upon entering, sweat glistening off our foreheads, we were met with a hundred “Dozos” and “Thank yous” and “Arigatos,” hardly getting the chance to even get a word in let alone confirming our reservation. Handy general Ryokan information on etiquette can be found here and remember…remember! Always change your slippers when you’re meant to. Bedroom slippers for inside, outdoor slippers for outside. Oh dear, the look of horror on one of the lady’s faces when she saw that I had worn my outdoor footwear into our room…

Staying at a Ryokan can be pricey, but the presentation and service you will receive will be far beyond what you have ever experienced, even by Japan standards. It should be noted that this particular place, I’m not sure about the others, has an 11pm curfew. Our way of combatting this was to, given that we could apparently request anything we wanted without additional surcharge to the final bill, order as many Asahi longnecks as we could each night, although I didn’t quite go as far as asking for free packs of cigarettes as some of the other guests seemed to be doing; I’d feel a bit guilty about that as, after all, when do you stop? Can you request 100 packs and not feel bad? However in saying that hindsight is not a friend of mine as I am left with pangs of regret in not, at the very least, pushing my luck. Overall the experience is definitely worth it if only just to experience the awkwardness of having to strip down next to your mate and ignoring your peripheral vision when using the shared hot spring ‘Family Bath’. Good, now that that’s out of the way, we can move on. Next:

Buses

A funny arrangement they have here with these Kyoto buses: you get on from the back door and pay at the front when you leave. Buses are equipped with route maps with English translations and, if you’re on one of the newer ones, decked out with recorded notifications in English just like on the Shinkansens ensuring that you will never get lost (streetmaps notwithstanding). Starting centrally from Kyoto Station and generally independent from wherever it is you’d like to go, the prices will tend to always be around the 250 yen mark, and if you don’t have any shrapnel there will be a change-dispensing machine at the front that takes 1000 yen notes which will give you coinage in all varieties, too. ‘Wow’ @ more Japanese efficiency; they have all their bases covered

Shrines: Fushimi Inari and Kokodera

Via train, get off at Fushimi Station and the place is right there in front of the exit, the red top corner of the entrance just visible on top of the roofs of residential houses next to the station: Fushimi Inari Shrine, AKA the Tori gate shrine. The whole place is quite literally entirely made up of Tori gates, decorated with a lot of cat statues angrily biting down on scrolls and other such items in their mouths as well as real cats who are taken care of by the shrine-keepers. Be prepared for a long walk up to the top, about an hour and a half’s worth. Thankfully there are a lot of pit stops along the way and maps that, for once, kind of work. Well worth it, as there is one particular shrine where you can draw a face onto a wooden cat-shaped cutout (complete with angry eyebrow action) and write a wish on the back.

Kokodera Shrine is about an hour-long bus ride from Kyoto Train Station. If you keep your eyes peeled, after about the 5th bus stop there will be a tanning salon named ‘Blacky’, which is just class as far as blissful innocence goes. Along the three-quarter mark on the way there is an amazing place called Nakonoshima/Arashiyama Koen, a town built around a small lake, bearing quite a resemblance to Lorne in Victoria off the Great Ocean Road. Incredibly busy with a carnival-like atmosphere, this bustling little ‘alternative’ area was full of kids holding balloons and families strolling, sitting, and playing along the shore. The Kokodera ‘Moss Temple’ requires written invitation to be able to enter and attend the ritual festivities, a process which had already been taken care of by Eugene, by travel buddy, around a month or two before we left for Japan. They even pencil you in for a specific time – for us, 2pm. We had our special invitations in hand and everything, but my advice is to not get there late, as we did, by an hour and a half, by which time the gates had been locked shut and there was not even a doorbell to be found. Whether we have also been blacklisted for life has not been confirmed.

If you encounter similar shrine rejection in Kokodera, then just around the corner back where the bus stop was is another place completely open to the public. A short walk past a residential block and up the stone steps will take you to a decent alternative complete with a sky-high view of the city.

Also, the bus stop has a public toilet and, judging by the sign inside, lots of free cute snakes to hug and kiss. Be warned though: there is only a urinal and a ground toilet, neither of which are automated, so those of you spoiled by Japanese bathroom technology better lower your standards if ever you succumb to the need ‘to go’ at this place.

Gion, the heart of Kyoto

Getting off at our stop located opposite a very well lit and quite obvious tourist-targeted temple (a bit like Disneyland, really) we made it to the main strip of Gion. Packed with stores and restaurants, you will find plenty of places stocking Geisha-exclusive accessories. If you’ve seen the film Maiko Haaaan!!! you’ll get an idea of how crazily revered they are, even by sightseeing non-local Japanese.

Chasing Geishas

Right, onto the hunt. If this mission were Terminator 2, the Terminator would be revving up his Harley and reloading his lever action shotgun right… about…now. You see them, the Geishas, walking down the street freely, then into alleyways…but as soon as you catch up and steady your camera hand for a quick snap they seem to vanish in front of your eyes. It’s quite an ability they have. And so we followed, down those potential kidney-threatening alleyways, greeted immediately not by white-make-up national icons, but by men in suits and/or yellow jackets, ushering us into their places of business, backed up by glaring street lights and the ever-familiar sound of Pachinko machines off in the distance. Ah yes, the Red Light District.

This isn’t from Kyoto, but the hairstyles might be

Picking up a free publication, “Kyoto Town Search”, a wonderful little 100-or-so page colour booklet jam packed with plenty of “Girls Bars” and “Girls Karaoke” places, but why the sexism? Why aren’t men allowed in such reputable establishments? Seeing more ads with boy bands where all of the members have Final Fantasy haircuts. Passing places with bright lights and wide open doors with girls sitting in front of circular glass tables reading the paper and dressed in fur coats and high heels. Interesting places.

Seeing another Geisha (or was it the same one from before?) and freaking out, cameras whipped out in a frenzy. Running down another alleyway, this one not quite as well lit as the one before. Somehow managing to find our bearings, somehow surviving, and, bizarrely, somehow finding “Love Hotel Part 2″. Wanna go in, just for a look around (I swear!)? Why not. But what ever happened to Part 1?

Love Hotels

What better way to finish off this guide than with those infamous Japanese Love Hotels? The place where boyfriends take their girlfriends on dates, away from humble domestic settings where one may really get to know, spiritually, the essence on their partners. Up for a visit to the Sahara, without all that pesky sand blowing into your eyes? This place is for you. Do you often feel like your royal blood commands quality accomodation but you haven’t yet found the solid gold latrines worthy of your presence? This place is for you. Ever been intrigued by aliens and Area 51, harbouring a passionate desire to know the real X-Files-style Truth? This place is…you get the picture.

Unfortunately for us, all these rooms were already taken, as indicated by the large selection terminal complete with a preview photo of the rooms and button options for, I’m presuming, All Night, Hourly, Half-Hourly Occupancies. Placed opposite the unattended discrete face-obscuring stained glass receptionist counter (with a hand-written sign saying ‘out to lunch,’ or at least it’s Japanese equivalent), we selected our room. An overload of mirrors and the place was complete with space shuttle beanbag seats. Aso…the Nasa room.

Upon pressing the button for half an hour (no, it wasn’t like that), up flashed the location of our room, albeit entirely in Katakana…Hiragana…Kanji…not sure…then suddenly, feedback from the LED screen! And we haven’t even paid anything yet! 2F! We can understand that! Second floor, how difficult could it be?

So up we went on the elevator. The doors opening to deathly silence: the discretion of the place palpable. A flashing red booth light signalling our destination, the colour standing out from an otherwise dull grey and navy hallway where we tried ever so hard but could not hear any other sounds of life. Perhaps everyone else was asleep. It was late, after all.

True to the preview, our room didn’t disappoint. Like that scene in Enter the Dragon when Bruce Lee fights that evil old Asian guy with the claw hand and disoriented by the smoke and the mirrors, similar were our own senses of bewilderment (and face cuts) upon entering. The columns, the walls and the floor, you could very literally see yourself from every possible angle. Ahem.

A king sized bed and a karaoke machine; a Kodak moment if ever there was one. Taking our silly photos and checking to see what was playing on the TV…

Getting ready to leave; nothing much else to do in there really. Getting stuck in the love hotel room. Frantically shoving coins into slots, trying to learn the intricacies of Japanese grammar in record time. Locating a red emergency button, untouched, resting behind it’s plastic protective casing. Pressing said button and breaking the seal, the door unlocking. Thank God. And, with Eugene feeling honest while I was ready to piss bolt, consulting the receptionist who had by now returned to her workstation behind that anonymity-ensuring counter and trying to pay. Rejected. “We’ll give you the full price for the room”. Rejected. “We insist”, the hand motions going out of control by this stage. Rejected… with money in hand, having to ashamedly place the notes back into our wallets. A couple entering, giggling behind us. Feeling confused (and hurt), we left. And promptly piss bolted.

After taking our time escaping through a few more blocks and making sure we weren’t followed, all the while discussing the ethics of placing security cameras in Love Hotel Part 2, there she was! Highlighted for us as if there was a spotlight beaming down from the sky – another sighting! A beautiful Geisha, talking into her mobile phone (and, to be honest, kinda maybe spoiling the whole historic feel of it all in doing so, but maybe I’m just being picky), disappearing again down an alleyway of bright lights and men in suits. Ah so, another common phenomenon in Japan: the older man with the (much) younger partner. You get to see this quite a bit, the whole business suit and grey hair plus short skirt and knee-high boots combination. Clutching their shopping bags, it sure is great to see how Father-Daughter bonding time is so heavily encouraged over there. Stopping to buy a drink from a Tommy Lee Jones-endorsed Suntory vending machine and being greeted by a lovely, hospitable man hanging out the upper level window of one of those Girls Bars and motioning to us with one cylindrically-shaped hand; bringing it back and forth to his mouth. Free Drinks? Ahh soooo…No thank you.

Then finally…finally, we got it: the photo of the Geisha. It may be blurry, it may be of when she turned her head away in disgust, but dammit…we got it. And it was totally worth it even if I did leave my fingerprints all over the NASA room, foolish given that they now take your fingerprints at the airport upon arrival into Japan. We didn’t get arrested, Interpol haven’t called on the home phone, but be wary nonetheless. That sums up our time in Kyoto, actually: “Be wary.” Be wary of the wayward maps; the slippers you’re wearing when going back to your room in a Ryokan; the time when trying to fulfill once in a lifetime appointments with monks; but, most importantly of all…be wary of the powerful, irresistable lure of the Geisha.

That’s not her car

She was the one in white

We were on the bus to the stadium to see Yokohama FC vs Vegalta Sendai in J-League Division 2 on a Saturday afternoon. I was sitting down towards the back, on the right side. Unlike the buses in Kyoto, the Yokohama buses give passengers entry from the front much like the ones back home. I kind of liked the backwards Kyoto buses though.

Eugene offered his aisle seat to an older lady and got up, clutching onto the bus handles as more passengers got on as I stared out from the window side. Having been in Tokyo for three days prior, Yokohama was a nice change of pace. Less busy and less commuters in a rush, although by Sydney standards still bustling. Our morning had consisted of going round the city trying to locate the bus terminal which the officers at the Police Box next to the train station had kindly directed us to in order to get to the stadium. Once we had found it and agreed on a time to come back, we went walkabout. A long underground tunnel connected the train station to a massive department store, “Sogo”.

It took ages for us to be able to just exit Sogo, which was something like 10 floors. And out we came, seeing the tall white apartment and corporate skyscrapers and man-made rivers, the whole place seemingly taken right out of one’s image of 80’s Miami…or something from GTA: Vice City, even: people of all ages clutching their shopping bags, expensive designer clothes and boutique stores lining our vision, the hot sun reflecting off the water and leaving a bright white sheen on the surface. It all looked brand new, only just a few years old even. Yokohama Marinos Football Club training ground across the river (the bigger of the two Yokohama teams; the Man Utd to Yokohama FC’s Man City if you will), filled with a distant crowd parking their cars, unfurling their banners. A “Y Cat” tourist speedboat access next to the McDonald’s we stopped at, looking for a map. We weren’t interested in a generic cruise around this place: too touristy. The map showed us where our destination was…all across the other end of the city. Having had our fill of American-styled architecture/surrealism, it was time to head back to get our bus.

Looking out the window and being amused by an innocently-inappropriate sign for a tanning salon, named “Blacky”, my attention flicked back and forth to the passengers inside the bus and the everyday weekend life going on outside: Eugene still grasping his handle looking out the other side amidst a whole range of different Yokohama folk packing into our ride, me seeing young women walk their miniature dogs down footpaths as cars and cyclists zoomed around. There were plenty of those in Japan, the small dogs and the bicycles.

Then on she came…I noticed her almost immediately as the bus stopped to pick up more passengers. Dressed in a white top, her lengthy straight hair complementing her long face, a short fringe cropped to reveal her forehead and curved eyebrows. She had dark eyeshadow on, my memory telling me it was purple but I can’t be sure now. By now the back of the bus was full with standing commuters and so she stopped near the back door a few metres away from Eugene (albeit with 2 or 3 people between the two of them), placed her bags down, grabbed onto a handle, and looked out the same right side of the bus as me. At this point there could’ve been fireworks outside for all I knew but all my attention was fixed on her and yet I dared not let her catch me looking. It was like being back in high school all over again.

And so I pretended to face outside, my eyes open but not taking in a single thing; not animals, not bikes, nothing. By now my mind had overriden my vision, telling me to turn my head towards her. Just one more look. She would tilt her face over in my direction at intermittent moments, every time increasing my heart rate. It was ridiculous. But I just could not stop staring.

Hers was the perfect face. Perfect nose and face shape, both the profile and front on. Pure beauty, making me re-assess my claim that I am not even attracted by Asian women. She looked maybe 20, possibly a little younger, as I tried to signal to Eugene to turn around. To see what I’d seen.  My head making gestures to look “that way!”,  behind and to the right. Other people’s heads in the way from his position, obscuring his view. Damn it. So I took out my camera.

Aiming it aimlessly outside at insignificance as a front, trying to tilt it to find the right angle while not raising the camera too high to make it that obvious. My seat was too low, the people sitting in front of me getting in the way. It needed to be held at head height. As she looked over towards me again, down went the camera instantly: a reflex reaction. What a missed opportunity! I felt like such a pervert.

Giving it another try, this time raising the Canon Powershot up a little more, still playing the role of country bumpkin tourist who’s never seen the inside of a bus before. There was no way I could get a decent shot in that far-too-fleeting time period in which she would actually be facing me, beginning to fear that this whole bus moment would come to an end soon. So on went the ‘movie’ setting of the camera. Awkward low angle, still. Click. Recording.

She didn’t turn her face at all during this time. And then we reached our stop. Ah yes! The football game, that’s right!

She got off too. I was hoping she was going to the match, but instead she stopped to meet a group of friends just behind the bus stop. Eugene and I walked a little further down. I stopped filming.

“Wow, man. Take a look at that girl over there. She’s gorgeous,” or something to that degree, I told him hurriedly in the manner of an over-excited child. After a fair bit of head repositioning over the swarm of bus exiters, he saw her too, although mainly from the side. Then a quick glance of her face, front on. “Ah okay,” came his reply, approvingly, but with a small smile slowly materialising and with much less enthusiasm than I was displaying – to each his own, I guess. He sat down, and I knew what he meant. A bit more time. Maybe not to talk to her, but maybe for a photo. Because surely, surely, I couldn’t just go up to her to tell her how beautiful she was. That’s far too much phrasebook-page-flicking in such a short space of time, in a different culture, in a different country. So up I went again, camera switched back to default mode, pretending to take shots of our surroundings. Nothing much to see, just a bridge overpassing the stopped bus, some buildings to the right, the stadium behind us. No more white skyscrapers or man-made rivers, it was all grey concrete on this side of Yokohama. Aiming the Canon towards her general direction as she got up to leave with her friends (they weren’t going to the game), I managed to get one shot. Just the one. It’s not even of her face, but it’ll have to do.

So maybe it was perversion, yes I can easily see that, but I’d like to think I was trying to capture an image of beauty at its purist. Ultimately it was unsuccessful, but her face still resonates within me, even now. Probably a good thing: I had just seen the most beautiful Japanese girl I will ever see, and it will always remain that way. On the way to a division 2 soccer match* as well, of all places. A completely unobtainable, once in a lifetime anomaly, forever to be known as The Girl From Yokohama.

*The game finished, rather appropriately, as a draw. 2-2.

Right this moment I am sitting in the foyer of the World Friendship Centre in Hiroshima, a lovely, homely place run by two American volunteers, Sarah and Kent Sweitzer, and open to travellers from all over. There is an Englishman, a Scottish girl,and I can even hear the male half of a Spanish couple snoring loudly upstairs from here. This is probably as youth hostel-ish as it will get though, given that such a place complete with communal TV rooms/bed bugs is not on our agenda, however we are surely bound to run into some characters at the Capsule Inn in Tokyo later in the week, so fingers crossed for that.

I am sad to report that, unfortunately, I do NOT have wooden slippers on, nor am I decked out in a kimonö’: it was time to calm down a little for a place like Hiroshima, where it wouldn”t be at all appropriate to muck around or, definitely, wear that ninja hood. No, the next bout of Extreme! piss taking will have to occur in Tokyo, and that will be in a few days and hence the clock is ticking as far as finding an appropriate outfit to match the headgear goes.

Here, once again, is a bulleted summary of the main events since the last email. Pardon the odd typo or weird character – these keyboards seem to be all different and I don’t dare press some of these keys.

* After leaving the Ryokan in Kyoto, it was to our profound relief that handing over our J Rail passes to book our Shinkansen to Fukuoka/Hakata did not yield any adverse results: no alarms went off, we weren’t stormed in on by a group of heavily armed police officers (actually the heaviest armed cop we have seen had a stick in a side holster and wore what looked just like one of those Tonka helmets from back in primary school) and there wasn’t the awkwardness of having to explain to mummy/daddy over a crackling international line exactly what happened while they stare, astonished, at the faxed-over black and white CCTV printouts of that one particular night previously mentioned. But I digress…the Shinkansen is bloody amazing and I just had to take advantage of the smoking carriages and plethora of vending machines, the latter of which I fear I am slowly becoming hooked to. Every Time is Suntory Time, or whatever. And how could I have neglected to mention this already…the funny signs! Oh we had a mighty good chuckle at the “Excellent Room” at Hakata Station. And Club Boob/Club Laid in Gyon!! I just love the subtlety.

** I have now come to the realisation that Ryokan women are not very chatty. “How are you?” I asked, from which came her reply “Domo arigato domo,” while bowing at a rate of about 10/30sec. “Errrm…how was your day today?” …”Domo arigato domo”…There goes my chances of using a phrase from the “Pick Up Lines” section of the book, then.

** New guests! Mike, an American, and his girlfriend whose name I’ve forgotten shared stories with us about their experiences …the red light districts, the pornographic anime comics, the packets of girl-next-door used-underwear for a couple thousand yen, the overlooking of important social cues while using a share bath with other men. Mike was awesome.

* Fukuoka/Hakata. Leaving our increasingly-heavy bags at the hotel and gleaning invaluable directions and methods of purchasing tickets from one of the kindest hotel receptionist ladies ever and heading off to the Grand Sumo, where we were immediately greeted by royalty: huge huge guys in colourful cloaks (kimonos? are they all kimonos? I need to ask around) kindly stopping for photographs and bowing conteplatively and with deep meaning. Buying our tickets with glee and being shown our seats. What a view! The crowd slowly piled in, bringing in banners with the names of their favourite sportsmen, the travelling group of kid fans from Mongolia who kindly responded to my “Konichiwa” with V signs for a photo. Going around the stadium, seeing the sumos come out of the dressing room; pumping themselves up, slamming into their sparring partners, completely accustomed to the celebrity status and the over-excited tourist. We saw Happy Go Lucky Sumo. Surly Sumo. Hairy Back Sumo. Handsome Sumo. Eczema Sumo (the modern day descendant of Leper Sumo). White Man Sumo. And my favourite: Facial Hair Stubble Sumo. I wanted him to win badly.

** The lady in front of us and her daughter cheered as the home crowd favourite, Ama, wasted yet another opponent with the deadliest of deadly moves: the nipple cripple, which somehow hasn”t yet been outlawed. Oh the controversy(!) as we drew imaginary squares in the air begging for the video replay having already downed three Asahi’s and behaving, quite frankly, like boguns, as old men either shook their heads in disapproval or our hands in comaraderie.

** The tears flowed as Ama was knocked out.The lady and her daughter leaving…the last Japanese representative in the tournament, their final remaining hope, gone, thrown our of the ring onto one of the touch judges. According to the helpful man next to us, Japan is no longer a major player in their own iconic sport. Oh no. The title now belongs to the Mongolians, the Estonians, and the Georgians, aka Surly, Hairy Back, White Man. But in the spirit of the game, he stayed…longing to appreciate the sheer thrill of the fight. I admired the sportsmanship. In the end the Mongolian sumo won against White Man Sumo in a real battle of the titans: after 2 false starts the atmosphere was getting tense. We chewed our pistachio nuts in anticipation, hands shaking while getting ready to film the final battle on our cameras…get out of the way program seller!…and, almost in an instant, the place had been cleared out. Empty bar for stadium staff, sweeping the remaining sand and sweat and blood off the floor. It was all almost like a dream, the passion and novelty of it all. I shoved my freshly purchased souvenir sumo t shirt into my bag as we headed out, the Asahi starting to wear off, for a walk around Hakata. Running into the losing Sumos on the street, having to catch the tube home just like everyone else, the poor guys. It was truly a great effort and, you never know, with a bit of luck and a suitable dermatitis treatment you might one day be that lucky fellow who gets chaffeur-driven back to the 5 star hotel with the admiring fans, the body waxing, the title of Grand Sumo.

** Next: Canal City, a highly recommended “Futuristic Shopping Mall’ as the travel guides called it, was a bit of a letdown to be honest, but only in that Japan has wowed us so far in such a way that we were fully expecting hovercraft… shiny metallic flying pods…cyborgs. Instead we were left instead with just the one robot whose only purpose it seems was to stop if you stood in front of it. Lame. And maybe it was just me or perhaps something to do with how I was wearing my designated ratty-tourist-t shirt but the Hakata shopping district seemed a bit snobbish. I dunno. And lest I forget to mention it, PickYourDaughterUpFromSchool Night is seemingly RIFE at this place. One girl in particular had on, truly truly, the shortest skirt imaginable with, I hope to dear God it was, skin coloured underwear. Man, if that was my daughter I’d never let her out like that, never mind shouting her designer clothes and holding her hand. Sheesh.

** After some heavy debate about the rights and wrongs of fatherhood and the suitable severity levels of home detention, Eugene and I were on our way back to hotel when we stumbled across the night stalls on the streets. The famous food and drink stalls! In we went, selecting one with a red trim and being welcomed by the chef and local and visiting businessmen, all cramped together but enjoying the food and the intimacy. Cooked right in front of us, we enjoyed a wide variety of meat and yet more Asahi as we conversed with a pair of guys in suits from Sapporo. “Asahi good…but Sapporo beer is the best”. Delighted they were to hear that we were from Australia. “But you look like you are from Sapporo” they complimentarily pleaded, one of them far drunker than the other. They said they were in telecommunications, but given the number of times they uttered the word “Sapporo” as we downed our Japanese-style shish-kebabs the more I’m starting to think they were actually in marketing/tourism. Clinking glasses as the beer flowed, eventually eating practically everything on the menu, our new friends left and it was time for us to move on. To the next stall. Ah soooo. The bar stall.

** Sake time, served by bartenders dressed immacutely in bowties amidst an incredible selection of alcohol, giving us a few concerned looks. Eugene progressively got drunker and invented new words in the Japanese vocabulary as he welcomed in the newcomers as soon as they pulled aside the curtains and found a seat; the initially hostile staff slowly warming to his charms. A man in a suit and glasses poking his head in and becoming instant mates with us, talking about his work, laughing with his accompanying lady friend, and the superiority of Japanese cigarettes compared to the American Kools I was busy sucking down. “Try a Lark!” And then it all kicked off. One of the bartenders, a lovely lady named Shinchan I believe (regretfully, all the names of these people I had written down on a piece of paper, but darn it I’ve lost it and fear I won’t be able to recall them all) offered me Peace cigarettes as we traded words in Japanese and English as the tiny bar began to get noisy. It was rocking. Photos of random locals! Random locals taking photos of us! And what better a time than now to whip out the ninja hood! On it went, and the next thing I remember is shooting a video of Eugene, completely passed out on his bed in the hotel with a towel over his eyes like he was in a sauna, snoring like it was the apocalypse.

* Hiroshima. Shinkansen part 2, slightly hungover. We saw Peace Memorial Park and the Atomic Bomb Dome. We were on our best behaviour. Trams! Efficient, regular trams…even today on a Sunday evening they come every 15 minutes. Ridiculous! Schoolgirls even, on a Sunday! I took photos of a Japanese video game store. We ordered Japanese fast food via a vending machine. Everything I am writing is out of chronological order. We went to Hiyajima Island and climbed the mountain, hoping the “monkeys” would come and try to steal our things. Just TRY it, monkey! But yeah right…there are no bloody monkeys. I reckon it all started when some bloke lost his passport and blamed it on the first animal he could think of, and hence came the myth? I dunno. I found the Japanese dolls my mum wanted, now onto worrying about how the hell I’m gonna be shove them all in my almost-full luggage case. We went through the main shopping district to browse. We found, quite possibly, the best t-shirt store in the universe and went slightly mad. We ran into an American student named Rebecca who invited us to visit a cool arthouse bar called “Kobä”,and so we obliged after further browsing and t-shirting. Saw a sign for a place called “Dental Art”", or something like that. For all your root canal and Monet-appreciation needs! Found Koba… a cool tiny two-storey bar, packed with people. After sussing out the place,a Japanese guy informing us in excellent English that it was a private party, and yeah…rejected. That sucks. He even referred to us as “Gai Jin” to puzzled partygoers…”foreigners”? Upon leaving, a Japanese guy with long dyed blonde hair and a goatee, wearing a kimono, complimented me on my t shirt. It was the Sumo shirt. Man, how cool would it have been to have stayed. Dammit. Damn you Private Party!! Seeing a two-man busking team made up of a couple of young lads who harmonised brilliantly. I will be checking out their website from the pamphlet handed out to us. The buskers here aren’t after coinage, funnily enough; happy to spread their art. I love that. Receiving more nice comments on the Sumo shirt and lots of eyes going up and down all throughout the night. I think I have a new favourite sport.

And finally…a thought for tonight as it hits 1:30am: I would have loved to have been able to say that Hiroshima has made me a bigger man. You know, more mature,more worldly, more fulfilled as a human being. More appreciative of the importance of goodwill and peace, that kind of thing. And in many ways it has, yet what is going through my head right now? Right this very second? ….The glory of defeating a Japanese guy at Street Fighter IV in a local gaming arcade (just hear me out, ok). In a game that hasn’t even come out yet in Australia …beating a local…on his home turf… in a game the Japanese created. So maybe in that respect I will be leaving Hiroshima a better man. But no no, seriously. Like…absolutely seriously. Hiroshima has been amazing. The city feels so different to the other places so far, and I’m so totally not just saying that. There is a tranquility about it, and peering out into the suburbs on the tram back to the World Friendship Centre, all the buildings appear to be white. There is something special about this city. The smiles, the polite nods, the konichiwas up and down the mountain, the V-sign kids, the quiet understanding everyone seems to have. And, yeah…smashing some guy 3 rounds to nil. Owned!

Good night all, take care. Will write again soon.

Will Ooi

I am writing to you now in the comfort of a kimono in `Kikokuso Ryokan`, Kyoto, having just exited a `family bath` with my travel mate, Eugene, and sitting in the lounge/smoking/internet area trying to comprehend and recall all that has happened so far. I would like to attach photos to this email, however my feet and lower back are slightly sore and the call of my bed is slowly getting ever louder, hence I will provide a summary of our activities and observations in bullet points. Our days have been absolutely packed with walking, climbing, snapping, phrasebook~ing, JR training, avoiding the lure of yellow~coated men ushering us into presumably reputable (surely!) establishments in the red light district areas (and, it needs to be mentioned, evading older women offering us special deals on `massages`). We have definitely earnt our rest each night before doing it all again, excitedly, early the next morning.

Hopefully I can fit in a photo slideshow to retell these mini~stories in full detail once I get back, perhaps as an epilogue to Luke and Helena`s tales of central Europe. Libby, your Lonely Planet has proved immense as has your fine motto `Go hard or go home`, and Andrew, the phrasebook is getting a right old thrashing, so `arigato` to the both of you.

* Osaka was our first stop and, once we were done admiring the brilliant busking talents of, potentially, the next big thing in J~pop outside the train station, we made our way to the hotel where much surprise was felt when it was realised that it was perfectly placed right next to the Dotombori River and central to much of all the excitement and Blade Runner~esque neon lights and buildings in the city minus the Harrison Ford and, probably, minus the bad acting. There is way too much detail here for me to do justice in this format, but man…man… the final night was spent in an American~themed bar where our lovely host Tokoko~Sama revealed later on into the evening that she was really a man, we were shouted expensive bourbon by an older Korean businessman who was accompanied by a lovely young, gorgeous, Japanese lady as a …drinking buddy (?), and we befriended a bunch of guys with whom there were plenty of hugs and handshakes and `No no…YOU`RE the bests` and shouting the words `I love you` repeatedly into (my main buddy whose name has escaped me)`s phone to his wife and speaking, in English, to his 15 year old daughter Marlene. It was CLASSIC.

* J Rail time, getting lost on the way to Nara and, after taking off my needless~but~still~essential face mask, having to ask for directions in broken and grammatically~incorrect faux~Japanese off a pair of `cool chicks` and, deservedly perhaps, having my questions met with blank stares of astonishment and zero feedback. Oh the embarassment. Oh the unquenching but unfulfilled need to consult the precious phrasebook as I stood there, an oft mistaken~to~be~of~Japanese~descent rabbit in headlights. Back on went the face mask as my heart yelled `Help!`…TAS~KE~TAAAAYYYY!!!

* Onto Nara where, at the Tourist Info Centre, we were instantly accompanied by a 50~ish lady named Yoko who set such an unbelievably fast pace as a complimentary tour guide and took us to see the temples. I really should remember the name of them all, alas my itinerary is upstairs and there`s way too much compulsory slipper~switching action in this Ryokan for me to grab it right now. Once she started running, I was instantly reminded of my debut Sunday Soccer fitness levels as I clutched tightly to my passport and binned my half-smoked Mild Seven cigarette. We went everywhere, we saw everything, we were always at least 20 yards behind Yoko. Petted the wonderful bowing deer, considered purchasing a replica samurai sword while contemplating what was required in order to sneak it back through customs: settling instead for a ninja hood. More on this later. And, in consulting our photos at the end of the day, it appears as if I had been groped by an older man as I was shoved through a gap in a pillar in one of the big Buddhist temples. Nice. TAS~KE~TAAAAYYYY!!!

* Earlier today: Kyoto. Ah, wow. Trips to Inara then Kokodera, then onto the geisha~searching/stalking in Gion: our first experience on buses. Looking for Japanese dolls for my mum, and coming close to purchasing proper kimonos to go with the ninja hood..too loose they are. If I`m gonna go ninja, I need tight~fitting clothes; trousers tucked into knee~high socks: the stealth element cannot be compromised.

** Gion: chasing those ever~elusive Geisha down potential kidney~threatening dark alleyways, ending up in yet more red light districts. Finding `Love Hotel Part 2`. But what happened to Part 1? Going inside to check it out (no, it`s not how it sounds, I swear). Selecting a room (the NASA room, lets call it) with an overload of mirrors and a karaoke machine, trying to work out how to pay for half an hour (again, no no no). Taking our silly photos and checking to see what was playing on the TV. Ahh soo. Getting ready to leave. Getting stuck in the love hotel room. Frantically shoving coins into slots, trying to learn the intracacies of Katakana/Hiragana/and~the~other~one in record time. Somehow getting out, and, with Eugene feeling honest while I was ready to piss bolt, consulting the receptionist behind a discrete face~covering piece of stained glass and trying to pay. Rejected. `We`ll give you the full price for the room`. Rejected. `We insist`, the hand motions going out of control by this stage. Rejected… with money in hand, having to ashamedly place the notes back into our wallets. A couple entering, giggling behind us. Feeling confused (and hurt), we left. And promptly piss bolted.

** After making sure we weren`t followed and discussing the ethics of placing security cameras in Love Hotel Part 2 (I should`ve worn the ninja hood), another sighting! A beautiful Geisha, talking into her mobile phone (and, to be honest, kinda maybe spoiling the whole historic feel of it all in doing so, but maybe I`m just being picky), disappearing again down an alleyway of bright lights and men in suits. And again…more older men with younger partners! Clutching their shopping bags, it is GREAT to see how Father~Daughter bonding time is so heavily encouraged in Japan. Stopping to buy a drink from a Tommy Lee Jones~endorsed Suntory vending machine and being greeted by a lovely, hospitable man hanging out the upper level window of a `Girls Bar` and motioning to us with one cylindrically~shaped hand; bringing it back and forth to his mouth. Free Drinks?! Ahh soooo…No thank you. Domo Arigato. But why the sexism? Why aren`t we guys allowed into a `Girls Bar`? It`s not fair, and I will be reporting this to the authorities. And finally…finally, we got it: the photo of the Geisha. It may be blurry, it may be of when she turned her head away in disgust, but dammit…we got it. And it was totally worth it (even if I did leave my fingerprints all over the NASA room).

So these are the highlights so far. Plenty more will come back during the photo slideshow I`m sure. Jeez, this email has turned out much longer than I first imagined, hence I am now off to bed. The lady here at the Ryokan has been crazily nice. Overly nice, even. I`m starting to `admire` Japanese females, but damn she`d be an anal wife. Anyway what am I thinking, she`s way older than me and already taken. Ah sooo *voice diminishing in confidence*. I hope I don`t break anything.

Tomorrow, Fukuoka and Grand Sumo, followed by gunning it to Hakone, Hiroshima, Miyajima, possibly Kyoto again to do the stuff we missed out on the first time round (such as finding Love Hotel Part 1: the original is always the best) and then…mecca: Tokyo. If there are any news reports about some silly persons causing havoc in Tokyo dressed as ninjas and/or a pair of strange Australian~accented boys running off without paying for a Love Hotel, it is all LIES.

I find adding `do~zia~mas` to the end of all my broken Japanese `sentences` tends to help.

Much love, I will write to you all again when I can. Take care.

Will Ooi