They say you should never judge a book by its cover; but what about those particularly obscure macho sporting DVDs usually found in the ‘Specialist’ section of a DVD store right next to the awkward softcore pornography section (rather ingenius target demographic product placement if I do say so myself) or deep down within the ‘Under $10′ Bargain Bins beneath never-ending piles of Steven Seagal’s latest works and other miscellaneous rubbish? Surely these DVDs are, unlike books, with their terrible covers perfectly summing up their equally terrible content, just begging to be judged? Well the moment I got my hands on a copy of this beauty at a friend’s house over the weekend, graciously saving me from the need to purchase it myself, I knew I had hit the jackpot as far as potential gold for a cynical review goes.

And before you ask, no, I did not watch it; does one even need to with a cover and title as good as this? Plaudits must go to the great choice of colour scheme, harking back to the years of old when Hypercolour t-shirts were ‘in’ with an outrageous splash of yellow-purple spectrum with all the colours in between masking what is, most probably, an eruption of blood and sweat gushing out of the head of the guy copping the punch. Note how the punch has been photoshopped in complete with speed lines just to further emphasise the impact on the best photo the designers could find matching the criteria of ‘a picture of some poor bastard with jelly lips and mouthguard about to fall out’ as a Google image search of that last line yields unsatisfactory results, otherwise.

As for the title itself, if you didn’t know this was about boxing one could easily imagine it being a compilation of amateur footage from an adults-only version of Funniest Home Videos lasting just under two hours (two hours!), but for it to be most definitely about boxing, and the naively rudimentary image I have in my mind of any boxer not seeing a punch coming in a sport based solely on punches and the strange satisfaction my brethren derive from wild hits to the head, well. It just makes me chuckle a bit on the inside, which is perhaps the appeal of boxing in the first place. Now onto the back cover:

Probably the best back cover out of any DVD I have ever seen:

Who needs 10 stars when you can have two rows of nine? I’m also pretty sure that a ‘full frame 4×3′ picture ratio translates roughly to ‘Eighties footage for old television sets before remote controls were around where you had to change channels and adjust the volume with dials, and if the picture was still fuzzy then a few hits to the top of it would make those wrongs right, boy’. Man, I miss those old TVs. It’s also nice that we are told next to the approximate running time that this DVD will, indeed, be shown in colour, and in addition I’m absolutely a hundred percent certain that ‘All Region NTSC’ is a complete contradiction in terms, but hey, let’s not get too pedantic here.

What also really gets me is the start of the second paragraph:

“To enhance the experience, you will get a slow-motion replay followed by multi-angle views and finally, experts will dissect the punch in detail”. In other words, the footage you are about to see is, veritably, a rehashed recording of the match when it was previously broadcast anyway.

Something that’s always amused me with boxing matches has been that, should your gaze ever wander from the carnage on show to focus on the crowd behind the fighters, right down low between the ring and the rope closest to it, you will see the audience’s heads and there will always, always, be someone laughing (and/or mouthing an F word). Behaviour that sums boxing up perfectly. Specifically, this guy:

And that is why Punches They Didn’t See Coming: 70 Classic KOs is the best DVD cover ever made. Actually, in talking it up throughout this review, I am now left with an overwhelming urge to watch it; all I need is an old school DVD-compatible wooden television set to maximise the enjoyment in glorious, full-colour 4×3.

Got any other bad DVD covers that need reviewing? Send them in!